Motherhood: 15 weeks in

So we're about three and a half months in. I'm typing this pretty hastily as I want to finish the thoughts in one sitting, and I'm pretty sure baby girl is going to wake up at any moment.

Welp, so far, so good. Being a Mom, specifically a non working Mom, is everything I thought it would be. But also a million things more. As far as tiredness goes, there are good days and bad days. Sometimes I'm just a little tired (today). Sometimes I'm completely and totally crippled with exhaustion. Luckily those days are coming less and less, but I know as we get into teething, experience growth spurts, and down the road deal with things like potty training, we may see more of them again.

I'm excited for the warm weather. While it's still a ways away, now that N is becoming more of a little person who likes to see new things, I am excited to take her to the park and explore more of the world. Luckily this winter hasn't been too bad, but I know it will come, and she's much too little to enjoy the snow or really anything that comes along with the winter months.

Being a parent is harder intellectually than I expected. Feeding decisions. Nap schedules. Is it ok that my baby is CONSTANTLY trying to watch the TV if it's on? Should I ask people to stop touching her face with their germ covered hands, or am I being paranoid? What's the best way to spend our day now that she isn't sleeping for most of it? Can the dogs lick her? Is her head too flat? The list goes on. Do any of these things even matter?  The hard part is figuring that out.

Parenting is also a lot scarier than I ever expected. I am terrified of how I would feel if something ever happened to her or any member of our little family for that matter. People are tough and resilient, but life is also so so fragile. Obviously I don't sit around and dwell on the bad things that can happen, but when the news as negative as it is, and with people suffering all around us, it's hard to ignore how blessed we are, and how quickly so many of those blessings could be taken away. I pray every night for our safety and health. I think as long as we have what we do now, if I never got another "thing" again, I would be ok. Even if I lost certain "things", I try to just be thankful for our home and Will's job and know that that is all we really need. It is easy to get wrapped up in want. Do I want new furniture and to get more rooms painted and to have the backyard landscaped? Absolutely. But none of those things will make me a better Mom or wife or person, so I try to look at it that way.

I love my daughter more than any mother has ever loved a child. I'm sure everyone feels that way but I absolutely believe that I do. There are so many events, big and small, that have happened in my life that have led me to being her parent. I know all of the lessons and heartache and learning experiences were put in my life to help me to be the best Mom to her I can be. And realizing that gives me so much peace with so many things in my past that I have struggled with until becoming a Mom. I can't wait to spend what I hope are many many decades being the Mom of the most beautiful, personality filled little person I have ever seen.

I think that's all for now. Three and a half months in isn't treating us too badly!